Monday, December 29, 2008

Groupies pt. 2 "The Homewrecker"

Hey Ya'll!

I haven't blogged in a few weeks, because I have been ridiculously busy....I know people say this all the time, but I really mean it. I've been at work EVERYDAY for the past....I can't even think about it. All I know is that I just had my first day off in a number of weeks, on Christmas Day. Needless to say, there hasn't been much time for the blog. I knew it was really bad when I reached in my fridge for a bottle of water and there wasn't any there because I hadn't had time to grocery shop. I knew the situation was futile when when I reached in further and realized there was no wine for the same reason....All in all, the few weeks of non-stop work have paid off and all is well, and I'm back into the swing of things (there's water AND wine in the fridge....and I'm blogging again, lol) .

With so much time having passed since my last blog entry, I have a few topics swimming around in my head. There are few things personally that I could talk about, but I don't know that I want to, lol. There are a few others that have happened to people very close to me since I last wrote, that are still a little too fresh to blog about, directly. But as you have probably gathered from the title of this blog, I will attempt to do so as indirectly as possible.

I've decided that I'm going to start a series out of this "groupie" thing. I want to start by saying that I am not basing the volumes of this series on my band. This is not some sort of secret memoir about the happenings behind the scene of the Uncalled 4 Experience. What it is though, is a collection of thoughts about things that I've witnessed in the many years since I've been going to the club, singing in bands, and just living in general. More than anything, I'm writing because I'm in no position to say these words to these people directly. Either because I don't know them and therefore don't have access to them; I don't care enough about their stupidity to bother; or they're living life and learning lessons that no one can teach but they must experience. Either way, I just want to get off my chest the things I've witnessed in their situations.

I guess it's only fair to first admit that we have all been in a groupie situation before, myself included. While there are extremes, it's important to recognize fault in oneself before attempting to correct it in others. I've been the "barely legal" hottie, that has gained the attention of "that n*gga", only to have my world revolve around his every whim and the sun rise and set on his behind. I think every woman is entitled to play this role, within reason, up until about age 22...MAYBE 23 if you started dating late. But even then, the mere fact that you're an adult should make you very uncomfortable with so much of your happiness depending on any one person to whom you haven't given birth. After that, it's ridiculous. Now, I must also include a sidebar. And that is...this does not mean that a woman should not love and care for a man that is doing the same for her. Nor does it mean that you shouldn't be completely consumed with someone that is consumed with you. But you should never be in so deep that you can't get out if you have to.

Unfortunately, all around the world, the population of women far outweighs that of men. The DC metro area is no exception to this statistic. Then if you eliminate all the bamas, dummies, gays, and deadbeats, that takes the ratio to even greater extremes (lol, I can't believe I actually wrote "bama" in a blog). So, since there are clearly not enough men to go around, what do we do? There are some ladies that take on the task of transforming a cute dummy or bama...more power to you ladies, this is a strategy that might actually work, I just don't have the patience for it. Then you have the hags that are more than happy to get with a fag as long as he will still screw HER on occasion (please don't blast me for using the word "fag", I mean in the most honorable way possible). Then there are those that have shacked up with one of the deadbeats because he's doing SOMETHING right, although I can't imagine what he could possibly doing that would outweigh all of the wrong, like...not having a job, paying child support (because the deadbeats ALWAYS have at least ONE child), or contributing to the household in ANYWAY, etc. etc. So what happens to the ones that are left? Are some of just detined to be alone, convert to homosexuality, or do we have to share them? HELL NO WE DON'T!!!

Never before in my life have I witnessed so many women that are willing to share a man. I've been seeing the situation in which a groupie broad will KNOW that the object of her affection has a family at home, and she will still come running everytime he calls, will abide by whatever rules he sets up for contacting him, will even lie if and when approached by his girl/wife, etc. This kind of groupie has a special name...Homewrecker. Of course, the homewrecker wouldn't have room to maneuver if the man wouldn't allow her in, but to talk about both sides, would double the length of this blog, and I DO need to get some work done today.

Now listen, I just want to be the first to say that I am not one to fight over a man. I'm just a firm believer that any man that is worth fighting over, would never do anything to put you in that position. But, when hearing these stories, all I can think is, "I would beat the spit out of that broad", lol. I know this sounds like the wrong approach, but let me explain. When you find out your man is cheating, or has cheated, your beef should definitely be with him. But when he cheats with someone that KNOWS about home, what piper does she pay?!

I've only ever been the victim of a homewrecker situation once before, and true to form, it was in my silly 21/22 year old phase (I'll explain how I KNOW this, in a second). Completely unknown to me, the "screwing" had been going on for a full year, and I was none the wiser. It was not until my boyfriend at the time, decided that he no longer wanted to cheat on me, at least not with her, that the situation began to spin out of control. You see, when I woman just wants to screw your man, unless he's a complete idiot, there's very little chance that you will ever find out about it. Here's why...a woman that is only after the "D", will not do anything to mess it up. Chances are, her and your man are homies...why would she want to blow up her boy's spot? He usually genuinely enjoys the time that he spends with her, and is relaxed and calm when he comes home. She's not going to call at obscene hours, and when you're around....IF you're ever around, she will keep a comfortable, but non-suspicious distance from you and your man. Why, because she has no desire to be who or where you are. Chances are, she may have a man too, and doesn't want to mess that up either. But when your man is dealing with a homewrecker, you will ALWAYS find out about it. Why? Because the Homewrecker believes that hers is a temporary to permanent position. She's waiting out her contract until the position she really wants becomes vacant, and she is going to do ALLLLLL that she can to be sure that when it comes time to fill it, that she's at the top of the list of candidates (forgive me for the extensive metaphor, I'm in staffing, lol).

What good does it do a Homewrecker to keep the peace in your house? Have you ever wondered why people love having temporary employees around? It's because they work harder than full time employees because they're trying to get a job...YOUR job, more specifically.
One of two things will guarantee a Homewrecker shows herself...the threat of the man leaving her, or if things get more serious in your relationship. That's when she has to step it up a notch. When you suspect your man is cheating, and you make the mistake of picking up the phone to call the other woman, one of two things is going to happen; either you're going to have a very short conversation with a woman that is telling you, not only does she not know what you're talking about, but any questions about your man, should be directed TO your man, or; you're going to have an hour long conversation with a homewrecker that is just gathering information to be used in your exit better watch your back, and pay attention.

Thursday, December 4, 2008


I just want to warn everyone that I feel like preaching today, so get your amens and offerings ready...

As many of you know, I sing in a band.  The band is pretty popular and has a regular following.  Most of which are loyal fans that have followed the band since it's inception in the '90's.  There are quite a few things that I love about being apart of the band.  The comraderie, the creative outlet; of course, the perks that come along with being in a band, the fans, and many other things.  Then of course there are the things that I don't like so much.  Since these things are few and far between, I'm just going to talk about the thing...or should I say "things"...that bother me the most....GROUPIES.

I think I owe it to all of the fans to clarify the difference between a fan and a groupie.  A fan is someone that loves the artist, the work they do, and gives unyielding support to all of the efforts of the artist.  They may even have personal relationships with members of the band, as they have spent a considerable amount of time with them, in all types of social settings, and it isn't uncommon to have a friendly drink, or share a meal with a fan.  I LOVE the fans.  They're lots of fun, and are what it's all really about.  I will also say that some of my dearest friends are people that I've met at shows, fans are the greatest.  

The clearest difference I can think of between a fan and a groupie is that a fan will tell you when you didn't do so well...a groupie wouldn't dare.  A groupie, is a completely different breed.  They can be male AND female.  A groupie is one that will do whatever is necessary, even forfeit their own personal values, goals, ambitions, etc., to be "accepted" by the band.  They spend their money buying drinks, food, clothes, gas...whatever.  I think you get the picture.

The motivation for this blog came as I was speaking with a good friend this morning, and she told me about the pickle that a well known groupie in the area, has found herself in.  This poor child made the mistake of sleeping with someone that she thought was going to be her "ticket" into the inner circle.  Not only did she give up the bootie, but she then tried to position herself to be wifey.  Much to her dismay, and embarrassment, homeboy didn't want anything to do with her...past the boot knockin', of course.  Now, I will give her kudos in that, she definitely went for the gusto in her choice, but I think she shot a little too high, lol.  She's a little country and plain...  But, you know what they say, shoot for the moon and even if you miss, you'll still be among the stars.   But I digress.... an effort to regroup, she then begins "talking" to one of the lesser players...and really starts to get in there.  The boy likes her, takes her out.  Shows her a good time.  He's cool enough, drives a nice car, knows all the right people...he's the king of fake pimpin'.  (By "fake pimpin'" I mean, he doesn't have any connections of his own.  No real identity outside of the people he knows and the places THEY'VE taken him.)  So she's thinkin', this ain't half bad...I guess I'll settle for this guy.  But what she doesn't consider is that these two men, (we'll call them Hollywood and Fake Pimpin'), are very close friends.  And she TOTALLY underestimates the male ego, and doesn't think it'll be a problem.  And of course, because God has such a crazy sense of humor, Fake Pimpin' finds out that his lady love screwed and went crazy for Hollywood.  Fake Pimpin' is not pleased, and proceeds to tell her that he will NEVER make her his girl, let alone his wife..."but we can still kick it".  That's not the worst part...she goes for it because she's so pressed to finally be a part of the "inner circle", no matter how many degrees of separation there are.  We won't talk about the issues Fake Pimpin' clearly has, because the thing with Hollywood really shouldn't be that big of a deal (between me and you Fake Pimpin' is a groupie too, so now he feels like she "settled" for him...and his little ego is clearly bruised), but she went for it...WTF?!!

There are a number of problems with this.  The girl has put herself in a position where she has now been black listed.  She might as well sew a scarlet H (for ho) on all of her clothes and resign to living the rest of her life alone.  Why?  Hollywood has already made it clear that he doesn't want her.  Fake Pimpin' can't get over himself long enough to realize that this area is so small, you can almost gaurantee you'll know someone that your mate has previously been intimate with.  But more importantly, she has STAYED with Fake Pimpin' so long, and EVERYONE knows they're together, that she is now OFF LIMITS to everyone else in the city.  When will people realize that it's not how many you screw, but WHO you screw.  This child has slept with two people in a three year period, and has been labeled a ho...ain't that a shame?  More than all of this, she is so short sighted, and groupie-minded (is that a word?), that she can't see that this shouldn't even be a problem for her...just move on, and date someone that has no connection to that circle...but what purpose would that serve in her ultimate goal?  This is just one example of how being a groupie can ruin your life, lol (that sounds a lot more serious than it really is).  

There's another instance I heard of recently in which a certain groupie was caught in a compromising situation with a local rocker, by his girl...this was not a happy time for any of them.  The word got out, now this one is labeled as a homewrecker and a slut...but true to form...she's still alone.  I'm not really sure what she hoped to accomplish here.  

Groupies live in a world full of delusion.   A fairytale land, if you will.  They think that what happens at the shows and the parties is real life.  When in actuality, it's only a small portion of the reality of each of the members of these bands.  While my band is a very important part of my life, it isn't the only part.  I think people think that local artists spend their nights at the shows, and anytime we aren't at the club, we're practicing, or getting ready to come back to the club...and that we lead lives of wreckless abandon...drinking, smoking, and partying all day everyday...hanging out with members of other bands, and kickin' with Flexx and Rain all day long.  When the reality is that most of us have jobs, all of us have families, many have children, hobbies, and all kinds of other things, very similar to everyone else.  So bearing this in mind...when you have a "club relationship" with one of the members of these bands, don't think that it's anymore than that.  In most cases, there is a man or woman, waiting for them at home.  YOU are not wifey, the woman that rubs his back at night and makes his breakfast in the morning is wifey.  I could go on, but again, I digress...

Groupies are a constant source of irritation and humor for me.  One in particular amuses me to no end.  She's nice enough, I guess.  I don't really know her, other than what I've seen at my shows, but this one is so pissed that things haven't worked out for her, that she's mad at the world.  It's as comical as pathetic to watch her linger to see if the object of her affection will give her the time of day...and as if it were written before the beginning of time...he never does...ever...and there she stands...with egg on her face.

I think the key to being a groupie that doesn't end up getting their butt beat, is that you have to play your position.  Don't try to do too much.  Know your role.  There's nothing sadder than seeing someone all puffed up full of air, for no legitimate reason.  The real danger in this, is that when you're all full of air, it takes little to nothing for you to be deflated.  Why would you want to put yourself in a position to be so easily destroyed?    


Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Is He Gay?

When I was younger, I used to watch in awe as my older cousins and some of my unmarried aunts would sit around and talk about how hard it is to find a good man.  Then listen to the older members of the family, married aunts, potential grandmothers, etc. convince them that there's very little time left before it'll be too late to start a family.  This was ridiculous to me for a number of different reasons.  1.  I wasn't aware that childbearing years ended in your late twenties to early thirties; and 2.  That a woman becomes unmarriable if she reaches thirty without ever having been, that means something's wrong with me.  I would always kind of laugh at this, because I wasn't a part of this demographic just yet, and there was plenty of time for me to get married and have babies and such.  Then I got older, lol.  And now these rantings are more and more being directed to me.  The funny part is that, they only start talking to me like this when I'm single.  If I have a boyfriend, I think they at least think I'm on track.  But when I'm doing this, "Independent Black Woman" thing, they get VERY nervous.  

I had dinner with my mom a few Sundays ago, and told her about a guy I've been seeing, and her face lit up like a child on Christmas morning...and then, she wanted to know EVERYTHING.  Where we've been, what does he do for a living, what do you talk about...and after giving her all of the required info, she sat back, and after a deep breath, sighed, "I'm SO relieved you're dating"...HUH?!  LOL, when did I become an old maid?  I'm only 27 years old!  Gimme a break, PLEASE!!  As mentioned in a previous blog, I used to wish that I'd gotten married in my early to mid twenties, and had one or two children by now, but CLEARLY, that ship has sailed.  I am a certified member of the late twenties crew.  And more importantly, if I had married any of the men that I was with back then, I would be in a SAD state of affairs right me.       

Never in my life did I think that my mother would be having the "I do want grandchildren, you know" conversation with me.  While I am quite happy with the course that my life has taken, and my current "romantic" station in life, her probings have made me think about the potential suitors that have crossed my path.  This isn't so much an issue for me, as I don't really tend to "play the field" all that much, but I have dibbled and dabbled enough to know that it's kinda rough out there.  Especially for a woman with a mother with marriage and grandbabies on the brain, lol.  

There's a saying that all the good men are either gay, married, or dead.  I don't totally agree with this, as I have been blessed to find one or two that are none of the above, present suitor included ;-) ...but I've noticed that there are a few other categories that should be added to include the truly "unmarriable" men, that are running rampid through the land.  Let's add the "little d*ck and don't know it", the "big d*ck and don't know what to do with it", the "minimally- or un-employed", "the whacker than whack", and my favorite... "the already married, but just doesn't care"...OH, and you can't forget the "Mama's Boy"...that one might not seem so bad, especially since we're told from a young age to pay attention to the way a man treats his mother, and you'll know how he's going to treat you, but that can spiral out of control real me.

With approximately 50% of all men falling into one of the categories listed above...and another 25% that are perfectly normal, but just not quite gonna cut it, that leaves approximately 25% of the men on the earth that are even worth the time of day, lol.  Don't get me I said, I've been blessed to come across a number of those that fall into that final  25% (this area must've gotten more than it's fair share, lol).  But please believe, I get quite a kick out of watching the others try their hand.  I can imagine how this plight would cause a woman to be melancholy, and even see herself as desperate.  But I implore you to find the humor in it, and you'll be too busy laughing at these losers to even hear the biological clock your mother is holding to your ear.  

I think every girl has a gay friend from high school or college that she made a pact to marry and breed with in the event that she was still single at a certain age.  In most cases we choose 40, lol.  Unfortunately, my gay husband just bought a house with his boyfriend, so I guess I'm just gonna have to do it the old fashioned way, lol.    


Monday, December 1, 2008

No Rhyme or Reason....

I've spent the better portion of the day today trying to figure out what to blog about. I actually started a few different ones, but I tend to classify my blogs in two categories; funny and deep. And to be completely honest, none of the ones that I started today were all that funny OR deep, so I abandoned each of them, and settled for a mishmash of things that I've been thinking about. Hope you find this entertaining...

The greatest disappointment of my life in recent weeks has been Beyonce's re-emergence (is this a word?) on "the scene". I would like to preface allll of the coming statements by saying that I LOVE Beyonce. I'm a great big ole fan. Ok, I said just keep all of that in mind as you read on. Ain't nothin' fierce about the A OR B side of "I am...Sasha Fierce". Jam and I had a listening party and let me just say...the cd ruined the party. I can't help but think, that this piss poor performance is what we would've been getting from Beyonce all along, had she been given the freedom to choose her own music from day 1. This gives me a new found respect for Poppa Knowles, and really does make me believe that she wouldn't be where she is today, if it hadn't been for him. Who woulda thunk it? Matthew Knowles isn't just a crazed pageant dad living vicariously through his children...the man really does know what he's doing. Hopefully he'll take back the reins before she goes too far over the edge...I will NOT blindly buy another cd from Beyonce...I will download a pirated copy of the next album, like every other skeptical american, in hopes that she has come back from the dark side...but I'm not willing to spend the $9.99 to find out. The whole thing was horrible. You've already heard the tolerable tracks on the radio...anything else on the album truly isn't worth the time you'd spend listening to me....However, I am just as adament about the fact that Jam and I absolutely WILL be going to see Bey at Madison Square Garden when the tour begins for what has now become a Jam-My shopping extravaganza/Beyonce world tour tradition. I told you I love the girl...

Next, let's talk about church this weekend in North Carolina. Let me start by saying that my Uncle Ricky has a beautiful church in Greenville, and the day after Thanksgiving, his church gave him an appreciation service. It was perfect timing, as we were all in town for the holiday and we all got to go. It was like a Moore Family talent show (see my sermonic solo here) but not without PLENTY of comedy. There is so much talent in my family, that it just makes me sick when I think about us not being the Jackson's (they don't have ANYTHING on us, Michael's the only one that can even sing!!). Anyway, All the Moore's in town were on the program. I would honestly say that only one performance was notable, but it won't be quite as funny without hearing this other part first...

So we get to the church, and take our seats. One of the evangelists gets up and begins devotion service....she starts with a series of scriptures...the funny part about this, is that she repeated the scripture four times before actually reading each passge. Picture this..."1 Corinthians 2:8-12...1 Corinthians 2:8-12...1 Corinthians 2:8-12....1 Corinthians 2:8-12"...I felt like I was playing BINGO or going crossed eyed or something. I wanted to scream, "just read the verses, I don't even have a bible with me, it's not even like I can read along with you!!!" So she goes on like this for 4 more passages of scripture...and ten minutes later, she begins the praise and worship portion of the service. She sings about five songs...and I won't comment on the quality of voice, because her praise was so pure and genuine that I KNOW it was sweet in the Lord's ears. What I will comment on though, is the "special" child on the drums. There was no keyboard player as of yet...but don't worry, he comes in later in the story...and this woman was singing sweet songs of praise...and this child is going off on the drums like Animal from the muppets the ENTIRE time she's singing. I think what blew me away more than anything else, is the fact that this was no cause for alarm for ANYONE else in the church except for those that came with me from the DMV. I tried to maintain my composure, but my baby brother Jeremiah....not so much, lol. So the lady opens up testimony service. Before anyone can think to get up and say anything....up jumps this man. Now...what we don't know is that he has brought his karaoke machine with him...he stands up and pulls a microphone out of his pocket and begins to talk...he pulls a tape out of the other pocket and proceeds to put it in the machine behind him. I text my baby brother and say, "If this man is loading mood music for his tesitmony...I'm outta here, lol". But what he did was sooooooo much better. He loaded a track for accompaniment to the song he wanted to sing for his testimony. The good part is that the man sounded just like Aaron Neville...the brother could BLOW, but this is testimony service, NOT Showtime at the Apollo.
There were numerous other tidbits that thoroughly tickled me, but I'll end with this one. Jeremiah text me and said, "Uncle Ricky plays the piano now?". I look up, and my uncle is sitting behind the keyboard, and banging away...and when I say banging...I mean banging. The keyboard was so loud that you couldn't even hear the people talking on the mic over the noise. My second cousin, Ricky IV, was on the program to sing a song. Imagine a little boy, 9 1/2, that wants to sing a song for his grandfather's appreciation service. He's a real boy...plays video games all always into trouble...that kinda thing...but he likes to sing, so when asked what he wanted to do on the program...he said he was going to sing "Oh Give Thanks". As the service went on, he began to panic because he forgot how the song ends. I explained to him that this is the easiest problem to have because, usually if you can start it, the words will just come to you. But nevertheless, we went over it in our seats, and when they called his name, he was ready to go! He got up there and sang the first few notes of his song, and as if hit by a ton of bricks, my uncle's face lights up! And he give a look that says, "I KNOW THIS SONG!!!", and he DASHES for the keyboard. True to form he begins to bang on the keys and scares the living daylights out of Ricky now Uncle Ricky decides he's going to modulate the song...and now little Ricky is confused. So after he modulates, Uncle Ricky proceeds to play the song for about ten times longer than I'm sure little Ricky planned on singing it. So this poor child has gone from being scared that he's going to forget the words, to...being totally excited that he knows them and this whole thing is going over being scared pissless because hs grandfather is playing the world's loudest keyboard behind him... and being totally confused by this thing called being bored out of his mind because the song has gone on ten minutes longer than he ever anticipated singing it, lol. And all of this is going on while the man with the karaoke machine is gearing up for his next selection. It was like a scene out of a "Where's Waldo" puzzle...absolute chaos...I couldn't have asked for better, lol.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Blogging again...

Good Morning All!!

I've been toying with the idea of starting up the blog thing for a little while, and I woke up this morning with an urge to here I am. I'm not quite sure what I'll write about just yet, but I'm sure something will come to me, and it'll be comical, if nothing else, but will hopfully make you go hmmmm....

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I went to North Carolina to visit my uncle, along with the rest of my family from the DMV. We had a really good time. We spent the majority of the trip eating, playing phase 10, Wii, and Rock Band. It was awesome! I will say this though....I ate a ridiculous amount of food. I know what you're thinking; that's what Thanksgiving is about...but seriously, I went overboard. Friday night I literally fell asleep eating. I woke up at 3 am with a fork in my hand and a plate in my's too much, lol. Not to mention the fact that my only means of physical exercise is yoga, which I missed ALL last week...back on the wagon tomorrow....

SOOOO much has happened since I last blogged, I don't even know where to begin; or even if I should. I will say this....the most important thing that has happened in this lifetime, and by default, since the last time I blogged, is Barak Obama being elected the president of the United States of America!! I was so overcome with emotion the night of the election, I cried like a baby...literally. And then of course ventured out into the streets to share in the celebratory mayhem that errupted around the city. I truly don't know what McCain was even thinking when he entered this race. I'm going to to tell you what I THINK he was thinking, "No nigger is going to beat me to the White House...the american people just won't allow it". Who's got egg on their face now, homie?

I always give a personal update at the beginning of a new era of blogging, and I'm happy to report that all is well. I recently purchased a condo, and I'll be completely honest and say that it's probably the scariest thing that I've ever done, lol. Don't get me wrong, I'm ok...but there's the added stress of ALL of the responsibility that comes along with being a homeowner. It all came full circle this weekend when I was asking my uncle about a problem I was having with my dishwasher, and he said, "In your apartment? You better call the maintenance man to come look at it!" I said, "Uncle Gary, it's a condo...there's no man." And we both had a good laugh about that one. Then I came home and....FIXED IT MYSELF. It turns out that the water was shut off, but still, I did it myself, lol. Next if we can just figure out how to get the durn smoke detector to stop beeping, we'll be in business. I changed the battery and everything, and it just won't stop!

In a previous blog, I reference a conversation I had with my pastor in which he suggested that I ask God to "put me to sleep"; so I did. And true to form, God did exactly what I asked Him to do. The funny thing is, I'd forgotten what I'd asked, and couldn't figure out why I was so uninterested in everyone; men that is. Some of the nicest, most attractive, successful, and seemingly perfect men have been trying their hardest to "get at" me, and I've been totally and completely unphased by them and their advances. So much so, that I'd resigned to dating one guy, that was NOTHING like what I wanted in my mate, irritated me to high heaven, and was...shall we say...lacking...ahem...where it matters most. And on top of ALLLL of this, he wasn't all that bright, and was trying to play me!!! LOL. Not really trying to play me, but trying to run his high school game on me, and it served as a constant source of comic relief, but irritated me nonetheless.

As mentioned previously, I woke up this morning with the urge to blog, and before beginning this post, I decided to read over the others, and I came across "Put Me to Sleep", and remembered that this nonchalant attitude toward romance or anything of the sort was exactly what I'd asked for. And I'm so glad I read this, because I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me, lol. I think the real significance of this revelaltion is that I feel like He's waking me up. Don't get me wrong, this is no mushy profession of my love for someone, or an admission that I've found my soulmate or anything like that. Please understand that when the time comes to share that, it will not be in this forum. But what it is, is an acknowledgement that I feel something that I haven't felt in a really long time. Something that I feared I would never feel again. Please understand that I am not one of these women that thinks that my life isn't complete without a man. I will admit that I used to be. There's a saying that the easiest way to get over one man is to get under another one, lol. The problem here is that this actually works...but eventually it spirals out of control...and you lose yourself. Mainly because you don't know what you want, all you want is not to feel what you're feeling, and essentially you turn into someone that is chasing whatever will keep you from being alone. And then you wonder, "when did I become this person?". You give so much of yourself in a relationship that in the end, you have to take time to get it all back. I think God was waiting for me to get that, before allowing me to "feel" again.

Some of you may be wondering why I'm even sharing this. When I started writing this blog, I was going through something. Not this particular post, but the very first one in this series, back in April. I don't think there's anyone that knows all of the details of all that I went through, but nevertheless, it was a lot. In many of the cases that I was giving advice, or making pacts, I was doing it in an effort to get MYSELF through something, and take you all along for the ride. It was such a great feeling to hear from people that the things I shared also helped them through their trials. So essentially, I was giving myself advice too, and I think you all deserve to know how it all worked itself out. I can honestly say, God has done everything that He promised. Back in January, I would've never thought it was possible...and there were times that I got a glimpse of hope toward healing, but no real concrete conclusion to the process. The funny thing about emotional healing is that you don't know it's happened until you've forgotten you even needed it. OHHHH and I Thank God!!! (I know someone is tinkling on themself for that one, lol) So to everyone that finds themselves going through an emotional healing process, just be encouraged and know that there is an end insight. You just have to see it through to the end. It's not fun, it hurts, and you'll even feel quite numb at certain times...but you'll get through it. And just when you realize that you're happy, and complete, all by yourself, you'll find that you're able to feel things you'd forgotten how to feel. It's like riding a bike, lol.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Ghetto Tragedy

You all may have heard me use this phrase in the past. I can't remember who I got it from, but I assure you that I didn't come up with it on my own. Those that haven't heard it before are probably wondering exactly what classifies something as a "ghetto tragedy". A ghetto tragedy is something that can happen anywhere, but is only a tragedy in the ghetto, OR it is something that would ONLY happen in the ghetto, and therefore, is a tragedy. Example: Fried chicken/fish with no hot sauce...ghetto tragedy; Koolaide with no sugar...ghetto tragedy; showing up an hour and forty-five minutes late for your wedding in a Chevy Avalanche...ghetto tragedy; running out of plates at the buffet, and having to shut it down so you can wash more...ghetto tragedy; having a dry wedding, and your husband, groomsmen, and wedding coordinator sneaking into the kitchen and drinking...ghetto tragedy. I think you get the picture.

I think that's all I'm going to say about this one, ya'll comment with your examples.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Put me to Sleep

As promised, I return from the Big Apple with some funnies to share. As if the universe felt like we were in danger of a lack of material once we arrived in the city, we were provided with all kinds of entertainment on the bus en route. Jam and I rode the Bolt Bus. This has to be one of the greatest ideas ever. This thing was beautiful. It's a brand new bus, with leather seats, WiFi internet access, and a bathroom with a FLUSHING toilet (this didn't turn out to be one of the pros by the time we were headed home though, we realized that the toilet flushes with the pee that's in it....I don't think there's anything more gross than that). For some reason, I got on the bus thinking that I'd see all of the foolishness one we got into the city, but we got a few special gems on the ride there.

So, we're standing at the corner of 10th and G, with our brand new Kenneth Cole laptop backpacks stuffed to high heaven, and the biggest smiles that you'll ever see because not only are we headed to NY to see a gorgeous baby and participate in some much deserved reatil therapy, but we're making the trip for a whopping $44 round trip, AND we can catch up on Grey's Anatomy on the ride. As we're standing on the corner looking like two fifth graders on the way to patrol camp, up pulls the most beautiful bus you ever did see.

The bus driver comes off and asks Jam and I to make sure no one steals her bus, and she goes to smoke a cig and buy a hotdog. For some reason, I like her already. The first hot mess that we witnessed were representatives of the homosexual epidemic that is sweeping today's high schools. Now don't get me wrong. There were gay boys at my high school, and to be honest, one of my best friends in high school was a gay boy named Scott, who blamed his high voice on complications during puberty...turns out he just liked the way it sounded. But Scott wore New Balance, slouch socks, sweatpants, and white tees just like every other boy at school. Now, if you're a man that happens to enjoy the "company" of a man, I can totally dig it, but you're not a woman. And frankly, gay men are some of the most stylish men on the planet, and I just hate that they might end up wasting their impeccable taste and unparalleled wit on the energy it would take to transform themselves into a woman (this does not apply to the beloved drag queens and transgender folks...just keep reading, you'll see what I mean). Ok....stepping down from the soapbox. These little boys, not only wore women's clothes, but were sporting women's hairdo's. But here's the kicker....the fool had a full beard and mustache!! Why the hell wouldn't you try to make your face look like a woman too? This is clearly a case of a child that changes his clothes when he gets to school. We also saw many delusional people sporting fingerwaves, but that's another blog in and of itself. And I can't forget about the woman with the comb over that started from behind her right ear, and went all the way around the other side into her ponytail in the back....think about it for a minute and you'll get a visual.

So, we're looking around at the people that are waiting to board the bus, and we notice a handicapped couple with matching electric wheel chairs, and another couple with a baby. First words out of Jam's mouth, "Ya'll better keep that baby happy". I totally agree. The kid was fine though. The problem? The handicapped people. Now, I think the reason that they became a problem is because the woman was not handicapped. She was just fat...and in a wheel chair. Obesity is not a handicap...I don't care WHAT you say. A handicap is an impairment that you have no control over. Obesity is something that you did to yourself...over time...and wouldn't stop. So, my homegirl, the busdriver comes back, and gets on the bus, but doesn't let us on. She gets on the phone with "her people", and they tell her that the bus is only going to make one stop. 6th ave and Canal street. Where do we want to go? I can't remember now, but it wasn't that, lol. So we have to wait for the next bus. Now, if God didn't have such a healthy sense of humor, he would've allowed the obnoxious fat woman and her sheepish husband to get on this bus. But NO, he's quite the jokester, and she has to wait with us for the next bus, not before continuing to scream at the busdriver that her ticket says that the bus will leave at 4:00pm and stop at such and such.

So we wait about 25 seconds, and the second bus pulls up, and the driver hops off. Not before he has to re-park the bus four times to accomodate that "handicap" entrance to the bus. I'd also like to clarify my frustration with this woman. Jam saw her get up out of the wheelchair and walk. So for those that were getting irritated by my seemingly complete disregard for handicapped people, can get your panties out of a bunch. I'm notorious for giving up my seat on the train for the elderly AND the handicapped.

We get on the bus finally, and by the time we get to New York Ave, we hear snoring...LOUD snoring. Of course, it only makes sense for it to be her. So we go on, and try to enjoy our ride. Once we get used to her snoring, she wakes up. And now she begins screaming at her husband. They weren't arguing, he was talking, and she was screaming at him. About what, I don't know, but essentially, she told him to do whatever he wants do, she's getting on the subway at Penn Station. How mean is it for her to leave her legitimately handicapped husband? This woman was insane.

We get to a place about an hour outside of the city, and the busdriver pulls into a rest stop. He turns on the lights, and we're just sitting there. What Jam and I can't see from where we're seated is that busdriver has gotten off the bus and locked the door. He's gone for about 20 minutes, gets back on the bus, and pulls off. He never said a word. That's gangsta.

I'm sure many of you are thinking that the title of the blog is in reference to the snoring fat woman on the bus, but quite the contrary, it's something that my pastor said to me Sunday. I went over to the house to do my cousin's hair, and my pastor wanted to follow-up with me to see how I've been since we last had a real conversation. I was telling him how well I was doing, and sharing my testimony of happiness, and renewed joy, and told him about how I no longer want to get married. This surprised him a bit until I explained myself (see "I"m not in the Mood"). Once I did, he told me how happy was to hear it. And moved on to give me a piece of advice to go along with what I was already doing...

Pastor said that my prayer should be "Lord, put me to sleep". Of course, I asked him exactly what this means. To me it sounded like he was telling me to ask God to kill me, and that's not at all what I want, lol. But he went on to explain that the most perfect and holy union in creation was that of Adam and Eve. We all know the story, and know how Adam and Eve were cast out of the garden for allowing the devil to take advantage of them, but at it's inception and until the point of it's corruption, it was the most perfect union. When God created Adam, he knew that he needed a companion; and he put him to sleep in order to create her. By asking God to put you to sleep, you are asking God to help you to tune out all of the foolishness, all of the would be suitors and husbands, all of the crap that goes along with LOOKING to get married, and ONLYwake me up, when you've created what you want for me. And not only to tune them out, but to be unaffected by them.

Now, my Grandma Lucille used to always say, "Be careful what you pray for because you just might get it". I would have to say this is definitely one of those situations. I'm TRULY unaffected, much to the dismay of a few others, but I honestly believe that I feel what I'm supposed to feel, when I'm supposed to feel it. I've even tried to force feelings when they weren't there, only to be even MORE turned off. Turning down gifts and outings, and vacations, and such because I truly don't want to spend time with someone that I'm not interested in. For some reason I feel like when I do that, my soul is being drained. So I'm truly feeling and doing what's real. And I like it, it feels so might hurt some feelings, but eh...what are you gonna do?

Wednesday, April 30, 2008


Hey Ya'll! It's Wednesday, and I'm finally beginning to feel like the week is actually moving. Is it me or did it feel like Monday and Tuesday were each 48 hours long? At any rate, here we are at the hump, and the rest of the week is seeming a lot more doable. Very excited about the upcoming weekend...going up to NY to see the new baby, and to participate in some much needed retail therapy. I KNOW, I'll have wonderful things to report about our brothers and sisters to the North, so be sure to tune in for the updates.

From the title I'm sure you can tell that I'm going to be talking about cheaters today, but before we go on, I want to talk about a few of my pet peeves. The only reason I want to mention them is because since I've been at work today, I've been bombarded by ALL of them. I don't have many, but the ones I have are very irritating. The first and most annoying is talking with your mouth full...on the phone. I hate it in person too, but more than anything over the phone. If you're eating your breakfast, WHY would you call me to go over a job description edit. Finish your sandwich, and THEN call me. Now I can understand if I call you, it's still irritating, but you have no control over that one, but WHY call me when you're eating?! Second and almost as irritating as talking with your mouth full is, finishing my sentences. I HATE that. If this is the indication of tru love and soulmate hood (sp?), then I don't want it. Have you ever been talking to someone, and someone else in the conversation tries to say the last few words of your sentence with you. 1. They never get it right, and therefore end up looking stupid, 2. Why are you doing that? What exactly do you hope to accomplish? Are you trying to showcase your supernatural skills of foresight? Hate it Hate it Hate it. OK, the vent/rant is over. PS. This does NOT just happen to me at work. I've found that guys that are trying to "impress" tend to do this pretty often too, and rather than impress, it makes me look at the phone when you call and think, " I want to listen to this fool tell me what I have to say?"

This Saturday as I was lounging around at the beginning of my day, I was flipping through the channels and came across a "Cheaters" marathon. (Sidebar: Why does "Cheaters" come on G-4? That's the videogame channel. I feel like it should be on the CW or something, anyway...) Seeing as how I'm addicted to reality TV, I curled up on the sofa and committed myself to watching at least three episodes. This is a very funny show. In case you aren't familiar with the plot: quite simply, it's a show in which one person thinks their mate is cheating on them, and they call the show to catch them cheating. It starts with an interview with the scorned lover, in which they explain all of the reasons they think they're being cheated on, and throughout the interview, WE get to see surveillance that confirms this. After the interview, the host, (who btw, is the most patronizing fart you'll ever meet), shows the cheatee all of the surveillance that we've already seen. If the cheatee is a man, you can almost guarantee there will be tears, the girls pretty much just get really pissed off and militant about NOW, not taking this anymore. So then they "confront" the cheater. It's great because the cheater is ALWAYS with their new "friend", and 9 times out of 10 show no sign of remorse whatsoever. So of course, this means that now the cheatee attacks the new "friend". Only, in one of the episodes I saw Saturday, the poor guy couldn't attack the new "friend" because it was a GIRL. His girlfriend was cheating on him with a GIRL. So true to form, he a girl.

Then, it was as if I saw myself on the screen...the cheater got pissed. THIS would be my reaction. Let me explain. As stated in the last blog, I'm one of those, "don't like to reject" girls. So unless something is blatantly wrong with the relationship, I won't really have the guts to break up. At least not until I just can't stand it anymore, and that usually take about a week, lol. So there have been the past...that I've cheated (don't get your panties in a bunch, this won't sound so bad in a minute). I've cheated because I didn't know how to break up with the current, but still wanted to be with the new. (Sidebar: I'm not a CHEATER, sometimes I just break up with people, and neglect to tell them right's something I'm working on.) Anyway, with someone like me, this whole "HA, gotcha!!" thing just wouldn't work. I'd be like, "whew, thank this means it's over right?" But TWO seconds later, I'd be LIVID. I'd be angry for a couple different reasons. 1. I no longer care about you enough to endure the embarrassment of having my business put on television. 2. I would really like to know what you sought to accomplish with this stunt. If you think I'm cheating, ask me. I'll be very honest, especially since if i'm cheating, all I need is a conversation starter, I'm begging you! Am I cheating, yes I am, and I'm sorry, but I don't think this is going to work out.

Now let's talk about the flip side of this. Well, now that I'm thinking about it, just a different side, not necessarily the flip side. What are some other reasons that people cheat? We've already talked about people like myself that cheat because we're punks. And have pretty much concluded that the punks are really only cheating as a cry for help to get out of the relationship. What about the people that cheat and don't want out of their relationship? This is a beast that I will NEVER understand. So much so that I don't really know what to say at this point. I'd like to hear some of your comments on this subject.

I guess the first task in attempting to figure this out would be defining cheating. I define cheating as anything that you wouldn't do in front of your mate. So to me, even a flirtatious text message is cheating. With this way of thinking though, there are different levels of consequences that coincide with the severity of the infraction, but nonetheless, repeated "cheating" won't be tolerated. Since this is my blog, we'll go with my definition of cheating. So to answer the question why, we'd have to ask and answer the question at every level. Why does someone accept flirtatious text messages? Anytime I've done something like this is because it makes me feel good about myself, makes me feel pretty, it's a harmless ego boost. The next level I would say would be to actually flirt in person, maybe even go to dinner or something. This is the person that has seriously crossed the line. What line you might ask? Jill Scott wrote a song that explains the first level very well.  And to be honest, this is the only level of cheating that I've ever reached, but based upon my definition of cheating, it's cheating nonetheless (I told you, it wasn't so bad ;-) ).  It's one of my favorites on the new album, because she was successful in capturing something that I would've never been able to explain if "caught".  See below:

I've been talking to this man
He's been saying what I like and
He makes me smile when I'm down
He says sweet things in my ear
All the things I've needed to hear
But that's as far as it's gone
I promise, I promise
But I enjoy it
I love it so
'Cause it seems like I'm always alone
You're at arm's reach
But baby, where are you?
'Cause I got this fire, sweet and tru
But I'm cold as ice around you
I'm lonely whenever you're around

Again, this isn't a valid reason for violating your relationship, but it's an honest and real explanation. At least it has been for me. When the album came out last summer, and I heard the song, I was immediately relieved and forgave myself for my past indiscretions.  This could also be considered a cry for attention, and can happen when you're generally happy and in love, but there's a rif, a separation of some kind. Usually emotional.

So have we answered the question at hand? Why would someone "cheat", but not be looking for a way out of their relationship? I guess there are a few answers. The first would be that the cheater may just be incapable of fidelity. The grass is always greener on the other side, but they aren't stupid enough to think that they can live their lives without some kind of ongoing companionship. Another reason could be that something is lacking in their relationship. In Tyler Perry's "Why did I get Married", the point is raised that you will only ever find 80% of what you want in a mate, in one person. If this is true, then something will always be lacking, and therefore a weak person might dibble dabble here and there tasting that other 20%. The thing that should keep you faithful is that the 20% ain't worth the 80%, if this theory is even true. Finally, the last reason that I think people cheat is that someone that truly is better may become available, or come along. This is the most difficult situation. When you're with someone, and for all you know, this is the person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life. At least, they look most like the image of this person you have in your head. And then one day, you meet someone that is EVERYTHING that you ever dreamed of. Or worse yet, you've known this person all along, but let's say they....break up with they're mate. All of a sudden the person that you've wanted most is available. But what do you do with the one you're with? They've done nothing wrong. They're quite obviously GREAT, the best of the best...if it weren't for this other one that's now available. What do you do? Please don't expect me to answer this question, lol. Because I have no idea. I could tell you what I've SEEN happen, but that's not really important here, lol. Please comment.

I guess the conclusion of the whole matter is to stay single until you can be with the one person in the world that you want to be with. I hear someone saying, "what if there's more than one person I want to be with?" You're just not ready, that's what. Of course there are other stipulations to making this work. You have to stay "prayed up". Pray for guidance so you don't muff the whole thing up. You have to be in-tuned to people's spirits. Don't just look for a physical attraction, seek a spiritual attraction. And most importantly, don't ask more of yourself or someone else than you or they are willing to give. When it's right, it happens automatically. You shouldn't be faithful to your mate starting the day that you make it "official", it's something that should've happened in you by default, because you just don't want to be with anyone else. No one is afraid of commitment. Everyone can and will commit to whom they're supposed to. We just spend too much time trying to force it.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I'm not in the Mood

I want to start this blog by saying that I've always really enjoyed the whole blogging thing. I started keeping a very comical blog on myspace a couple years ago, and as my fascination with myspace dwindled, there went the blog. This in no way meant that I didn't have clever things to say anymore, it just meant that I lacked a medium. Then I began to think about what I thought many times when wanting to share things in a blog that might be recognized by my readers (yes, I said my readers...whether there are 4 or 400, they are still my readers, lol); how do I share some of the funny things that happen to me that involve others, knowing that some of them read this thing? I used to think this all of the time as I watched "Sex and the City". I used to wonder, "Does Big ever cuss Carrie out for airing their dirty laundry?" Then I had this thought: no one but Carrie's friends know Big, or that he's dating Carrie, so truthfully, the only people that would know what she's talking about are Samantha, Miranda, Charlotte, and Big; and truthfully, the anything in the column that has to do with that, they'd know about it all either way. In this case, it just serves as something to help the days go by for a bunch of strangers. So, I'm going to throw all caution to the wind and have a little fun myself; recognizing that everyone that reads this blog falls into one of two categories: either you have no idea who or what I'm talking about and are just genuinely entertained by what you read, or you knew everything that's being said here without ever opening up the blog link. I believe the two categories neutralize one another and make the blog totally harmless. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. I will however, offer this piece of advice,, if I mention something that involves you, please don't "OUT" yourself by commenting on it. Let's put on our thinking caps people. On to the blog!!!

One of my girls and I were talking about the phrase "I'm not in the mood". Common translations include: "I'm tired", "I have a headache", "I'm on my period", "I'm celibate", and "I have a GYN appointment tomorrow". Would you like to know what they ALL mean? "I don't want to". I know the next question is, "Why don't you just say that?" The truth of the matter is that we still want YOU to want to, but we just don't want to right now, lol. Or maybe ever. Let me explain: In the same way that men don't like rejection, women don't really like to reject all that much either. This is why we give fake numbers; ignore cat calls; don't return phone calls, emails, and texts; and THEN when we see you out and about, we act like nothing is wrong, "I just had to go visit my grandmother on Mars for the past few months, but she's fine now, and I'm back, so call me sometime and we can do lunch." We don't like saying no, unless you've done something to deserve it. I know you all are probably thinking this is BS, but ask any woman. Unless she's just an unbelievable b*tch, she'll tell you that we'd much rather tell you something that will make you leave us alone, than to sit down and actually tell you that we want to be left alone. I know it's childish and selfish, but no one is interested to adding to their "number" just because they didn't want to hurt someone's feelings. We're too old for that mess, lol.

It's always interesting to watch yourself grow up. To take a moment to take inventory on your life, and see what you've accomplished, where you are in comparison to where you thought you'd be. I think the thing that is the biggest shock, is realizing that you've actually grown up. I don't imagine that you can actually take a toll of how much you've actually grown until you're single, out of your parents' house, and truly living on your own. Your desires change, your ambitions change, and you when you listen to yourself talk you think, "is that me?"

Perfect example: I no longer want to get married. Before you all flip out, make sure you continue to read, because I'm going to explain myself very well. For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to get married. I've wanted to get married and have babies. And every decision that I've made in my life has been with that in mind. Whenever I date guy I think, "could he father my children", "could I see myself spending the rest of my life with him". In the process of trying to find the one that has the most of the "must haves", I'd developed a whole new list of "must haves", and wondered why I wasn't TRULY fulfilled in any relationship. There should be a period of re-evaluation. A period of time when you sit back and think about what you really want. Because your wants change. I still want babies, but I no longer want to get married bad enough to have to deal with certain things. Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to be a single parent either, so I WILL get married, lol. But you get what I mean. I don't want to get married, I want to meet and spend the rest of my life with my soulmate. And I'm no longer afraid that I won't be found by him. Neither am I naiive enough to think that I haven't already met him, or even been with him, but one or the other of us wasn't ready. I guess what I'm saying is that marriage is no longer important enough to be the only thing that I do for the rest of my life. So, with that realization comes quite a different Myra. One that most people aren't used to, and one that I'm finding intimidates people more and more. The good part is that I don't care, lol.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

"Where's You Sense of Adventure Augusten?"

Ok, it's been a few days, and I'm sorry for the lack of postings. I haven't been feeling all that well. It was a combination of things, but I feel tons better, and I'm back on the ball. Happy Birthday shoutout to Sdot...Party at RNR tomorrow. OK, onto the blog.

Please read the following exerpt from the book I'm reading, and then we'll really get into it.

"Somehow we end up in bed. It seems clear that we have nothing in common, but Raoul invites me up to his apartment - a two-bedroom on Central Park West - and I accept because his muscular calves seem to have a curious power over me. Once upstairs, he tells me again how sexy I am.

I am ashamed that I am so easily swayed by this compliment. All my life I have felt bad about my skinny body. So I have worked out for years and have grown much larger and stronger, and although my own mirror still reflects back to me the image of a skinny kid, other people see somebody else entirely and sometimes want to sleep with him.

Raoul takes his shirt off, and his chest, muscular, hairy, masculine, engages my interst. And within ten minutes we are undressed and in bed.

It turns out Raoul has a condition known as micropenis. This means his penis is less than three inches long, fully erect. It looks like a large clitoris, sticking out above two balls."

This is an exerpt from "Magical Thinking" by Augusten Burroughs. This is the guy that wrote "Running with Scissors". Let me just say, I read the above exerpt while on the train yesterday, and literally laughed out loud. Now, recognizing the fact that women and gay men alike, like to come up with pseudo diseases to describe the shortcomings of men, I was a little hesitant to believe that "micropenis" is actually a disease. We've all heard the stories of the "short" man, but come on....micro? So I looked it up. Good ole wikipedia gives a full description along with pictures of flacid and erect micropeni (and let me just tell you, there isn't much difference in the two ).

The thing that makes the above exerpt so funny is the part that I left out. This guy clearly has no idea that he has this...problem. Which is evidenced by him repeatedly making reference to his large um....member, throughout the encounter. Augusten goes on to say "I am dizzy. I am literally dizzy. I was so shocked to encounter the micropenis and now am even more shocked to encounter his apparent lack of knowledge about the micropenis. I grip it in my hand, and it's lost, so I use my thumb and index finger to jerk it. I am now engaged in what I consider volunteer work. I am jerking him off purely out of pity."

Now, I think we can all recall a moment or two when we've experienced a not so enjoyable "encounter". The only thing that make it worse is your partner acting like he's Dirk Diggler...Just finish your business and get the help up, so I can be well on my way to never doing this again. Where do these men come from? Seriously. I remember being in arguments with an ex of mine, in which he'd make some very bold statements. All I wanted to do was "pants" him, and swing him around to the mirror. Don't you want to say to these dudes, "You do realize I've already seen it? You don't have to pretend."

While I can't say that I've ever actually seen a "micropenis", I can say that there are many levels of disappointment between the medically tiny and a normal appendage. As anyone that has ever shared a bottle of wine with me can tell you, I have quite an opinion when it comes to these men. And by "these men" I mean everyone from the long and skinny to the short and skinny, to the short and squat. This doesn't mean that you have to be HUGE, because to be quite honest, if it's too big, I won't let you near me. And I will honestly say that there is SOME truth to the assertion that it's the motion in the ocean and not the size of the boat. As we all know, this phrase was more than likey coined by a man with a small penis, or by a woman in love with a man with a small penis. I feel sorry for them both. There's nothing fun about living a life of complete disillusion. I've been in love with a man with a small penis, and the fact that I loved him didn't make his penis any bigger, nor did it keep me from contemplating cheating on him with my "not so little penis" ex. You would NEVER find me bragging about our sex life, it just didn't make sense, and in the end it would've served as nothing more than a way to piss me off instantly, lol.

While I know that there isn't anything that can resonably be done to fix this...problem...there are ways that a man can make himself desirable inspite of this handicap. The first step is to realize that it is actually a handicap. Also, don't keep telling yourself that the guys in the porno movies are freakishly big. Some of them are, yes, I'll give you that. But don't try to make yourself feel better by swearing that "nobody's that big". YES they are, and you should be intimidated, lol. So how do you get around this? Be nice. I was so angry with a "little man" one time that I actually said, "I wish you would act your d*ck size". This is the key. If you know that once you get in the bedroom you have absolutely nothing to offer, play your position. Send flowers for no reason; call when you say you're going to call; know my favorite color and food; keep your refrigerator stocked with my favorite chardonnay; watch the chic flicks; MASTER foreplay. If you can be a master of everything else, you might stand a chance. You don't have the luxury of not calling when you say you're going to call because, when "Mr. Crown Royal" doesn't call, I'm thinking about last night while I wait for him to call. When YOU don't call, I'm thinking about your baggy boxer briefs and contemplating whether I'll wait until after I get my Christmas present to delete you from my address book and block you from gchat. You see the difference?

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Crown Royal on ice

I'm not really feeling well today.  I thought I might have a chest cold, but it's not really in my chest as much as it's in my throat down into my chest. I haven't been sick for real yet this year, this might be the one though. Hopefully not, it's all about the medication. I'll keep you posted on this one. Anyway....

I think I want to talk about a couple different things today. Thank you all for the notes, and the ladies that have taken the vow. I'm sure you can feel the difference already, if not, just hold on, it's coming. My contacts are fine, lol. I put in a new pair today...they're in the right eyes...and I'll be sure to take them out before I go to bed tonight, lol. Now that the update is out of the way...

Have you all done your taxes? I think this was the first year that I didn't do my taxes the second I collected my W-2. As you get older and acquire more things, your taxes become a little more complicated. And this year was serious.

I bought an online travel agency a couple years back, and this year I actually decided to do all of the write-offs that are one of the many benefits of owning a home-based business. Do you know you get to write off a portion of your house payment, car payment, car insurance, utilities, cell phone bill, cable bill, any meal in which you've "discussed" the business, and since it's a travel agency, ALLLLL of your travel?!!! Initially I was vexed because I wasn't able to do my taxes myself on and just use the "deduction maximizer". I actually had to GET a tax guy, and bring in boxes and boxes of receipts, bills, bank statements, etc. Since I hadn't really planned ahead for this, being a pack rat really came in handy, because I had ALL of this stuff, just had to empty out a few purses, clean out the car, etc, lol. So anyway, as we're sifting through all of this foolishness, I realized just how good of an investment the home based business is. I sit in the meetings and heard all they say about the tax benefits and so on, but it never registered. I'm thinking, I already bought the thing, I don't need to be convinced. Then, here I am, bad as I want to be, with boxes of receipts, and what will turn out to be quite a substantial tax return. All from going to work, having the travel channel, talking about travel at dinner, and going on vacation. I don't think it can get any better than that, but if so, please share...

Jam, Raina, and I went to the Jill Scott concert a few weeks ago, and I must say how pleased I was that she gave so much attention to one of my favorites on the new album: "Crown Royal on ice".

If you haven't had the immense pleasure of hearing this song, or better yet, experiencing what she's talking about, take a listen to this , and read the lyrics below:

Your hands on my hips pull me right back to you,
I Catch that thrust give it right back to you,
You're in so deep I'm breathing for you,
You grab my braids arch my back high for you
Your diesel engine, I'm squirting mad oil ah
Down on the floor til my speaker starts to boil
I flip s**t
Quick slip
Hip dip
And I'm twisted
In your hands and your lips and your tongue tricks
And you're so thick
And you're so thick
And you're so

Crown Royal on ice
Crown Royal on ice (On Ice)
Crown Royal on ice
Crown Royal on ice (On Ice)


There really isn't much more that can be said about the brother to which this song is dedicated. Not the one man she wrote it for, or was thinking about when she wrote it. I mean the proverbial "Mr. Crown Royal on ice"(I know we were on "Crown Royal on ice" a while ago, but forgive me, somebody just made me think of whiskey...). We can take this a lot of places. But let's start here: The founder of the church where I grew up used to always say, "Sin will take you farther than you want to go, and make you stay longer than you planned on staying". Now, just so you all know, this is not where I break into a sermon, preaching against fornication. We all know the deal. What I want you to do is replace the word sin with "good d*ck". THAT'S what I want to talk about, lol.

How many of us have stayed with somebody we KNOW we shouldn't have, because of the D? And I would be willing to bet my bottom dollar, THAT'S the man you thought about the first time you heard that song, lol. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you can't have a nice roll in the hay with a good man. But, "Mr. Crown Royal on ice", is the one that you think about in the middle of the staff meeting and PRAY, that no one can see you blushing.

The other thing that always makes me go "hmmmm", is that the "good" man, usually starts out as "Mr. Crown Royal on ice", but somehow, that thing he used to do from the side with your leg this way, and his that way, and...don't get me started...he just don't do it anymore, that is unless he comes home a little tipsy after a night at the club. As a matter of fact, eventually, you could probably maneuver your way through one of your "encounters", like a blind man can maneuver his way through the grocery store. It's not bad, just ordinary...and definitely not that whiskey that comes in the pretty blue bag. But for some reason, that no good son of a....could put it down EVERY time. SO much so, that when you finally shake him, eeeeevery once in a while, you think....maybe just one more And then prayerfully you snap out of it before you do something stupid.

Hopefully they figure out how to get both of these men in the same body before it's time for me to get married. Otherwise I don't know WHAT I'm gonna do...

Monday, April 14, 2008

Feeling Good!

Have you ever had a couple unnecessary things happen to you as you start your day and say to yourself, "Self, if one more thing happens, I'm going back home and getting in the bed until tomorrow"? Today started out as one of those days. I won't tell you all of the crazy things that happened to start the day, but let's just say, I was in such a rush, that I THOUGHT I'd put my contacts in backward, meaning the right one in the left eye and vice versa. So I'm sitting on the train, and ATTEMPTING to read my book, but I just can't focus, literally....I can't see. So I get off the train and haul it to my office. Go straight to the bathroom, and proceed to try and take out my left contact, with the intention of just switching them around. Much to my surprise, as I go for my pupil, I stick my whole finger directly in my eye...the cotton pickin' contact wasn't even IN there!! So, I pull out my contact case, and it isn't in there either. Lord have mercy!! I don't know when or how it happened, but I lost the stupid thing. All I could do was laugh, and throw out my right contact, and put on my glasses. Today's mishap, immediately followed me having way too much fun at my girl's wedding on Friday night, and sleeping with my contacts in, and my eye leaking ALL day Saturday. Help my Lord, I need to give my poor eyes a break. So, as I was saying, today started off as one of those, take my behind back home and get in the bed days.

I went about my day, had an unnecessarily long training at work, pizza for lunch, and then experienced a miracle. So much so, that I thought I'd write about it. I won't go into details, because the source of the miracle let's me know that some people that I thought couldn't get to me, actually can, but my closest friends know what I'm talking about. You don't need the details to get the point. Have you ever prayed for something so hard, and for so long, and waited without hearing anything, that you thought God forgot about you? And then you wait some more, and then you forget that you'd even asked for it? Then you finally just resign to be thankful that you haven't had to deal with it, and therefore be reminded that you aren't over it? Then out of nowhere, you're completely blindsided by something that should've sent you into the privacy room for tag team venting sessions with your girls to keep you from flying of the deep end. And just as you're about to go completely IN, you realize, I'm over this. Like, I'm really over it.

As you all know, I go to church every Sunday, and truly enjoy my time there. Yesterday was Youth Day at my church, which is really special to me, because everyone KNOWS how much I love the kids. Anyway, the preacher yesterday said, "Have you ever prayed for something for so long without an answer, until you just forget what you even prayed for? And then out of nowhere, God does exactly what he said he was going to do." This is one of those situations, and THAT is why I'm feeling good!!

Ok, so enought of that. I just had to give my testimony. I've been searching and searching my mental rolodex for topics that I'd like to discuss with you all. I think I'm going to talk about strangers today. Yes, I know. After you grow up, we don't really talk to much about strangers, mainly because they're no longer scary, as they were when we were little. But strangers are still around, and now instead of being scary, they're just plain irritating.

Now, I don't know about you, but I don't have a need for any NEW friends. Don't get me wrong, I love meeting new and cool people. When you start a new job, you meet new and hopefully cool people. If you move into a new place you may gain a new and cool roommate (Hi CJ!!!), and then inherit they're new and cool friends. Or, you may move to a new area, and start hanging out at new restaurants, bars, clubs, and meet new and cool people there. These are not the people I'm talking about. For me to be talking about these people would make me antisocial, and not very much fun to be around, and as we all know, neither of these could be farther from the truth.

(If you've read this blog before, you'll notice that a very funny paragraph is missing....I took it out because it just isn't true anymore, lol.)

So as time passes, every woman kind of asks herself questions surrounding when she'll get married, and start to have children and all of that (that is if you don't already have children...but you know what I mean). I went to dinner and a movie with two of my closet friends yesterday and we started talking about this whole thing. I'm the baby of this particular group, and the other ladies are 32 and 33, the older is happily married with two beautiful children, and has been married for ten years. SO, she has lived the life that we've all dreamed of! Although I will say, if I would've married to the man that I was in love with when I was 23, it would NOT have been a good thing...Praise the Lord and AMEN. My 32 year old girlfriend began to talk about how her standards have changed, and how, things that would've been deal breakers for her when she was my age, are now just minor "bumps" in the road. As I began to protest she said, "oh no, you're fine right now, but if you don't find somebody by the time you get to my age, your tune will change". Then I thought about it, and realized how sad this really is. Will we eventually have to settle? As we talked, and pointed out the differences in each of us, I realized a number of things that make one situation a bit more futile than the other. She is over thirty and I'm not (as a matter of fact, I told someone I was 22 at my birthday party and he didn't blink an eye!). She has no prospects, and that isn't the case with me. She'd rather settle than be alone, and what I've come to realize more and more everyday, is that, even though I don't want to be alone, and that I WANT to get married and have children, that I'd rather live the rest of my life, a happy, fulfilled, single woman, than a satisfied, mother of three, just WAITING for the kids to go to college so she can leave her husband. Who, by the way, isn't a bad guy, he just isn't what she wanted. Doesn't make your insides go to mush, doesn't give you mini "O's" throughout the day when you think about him, and doesn't make you smile when you roll over and he's still sleeping.

So I propose a pact. We won't settle. No matter how desperate the situation may seem. You thought he was the what...he wasn't...moving on. He's your son/daughter's father....AND....thanks for the sperm...peace out. Any number of things that have us so strung out on these miserable, deadbeat, inconsiderate, self indulgent, over important, mama's boys. There are AMAZING men out there, and with us being so undying in our commitment to the other ones, we miss out. So, ladies, let's take this vow, leave a comment once you're done, and I promise we'll live longer lives, have better sex, make more headlines, and sleep soooo much better, if we stick to it. DISCLAIMER: "If your man doesn't fall into this category, be good to him, take care of him, and thank GOD for him. Ths also doesn't apply in a situation where ya'll are just "going through" something. I'm in no way a male basher, I'm just talking about the bad seed here."

WE will NOT Settle:

I vow, that I will not allow another man tp make me feel bad about being the woman that I am; That I will no longer, water down my personality, ambition, opinion, attitude, or values, to accomodate a man...there is a man somewhere that is big enough to handle BIG me! I promise to be good to MYSELF. I promise, that I will NOT settle for a man because I've fallen in love with the IDEA of being with him; nor will I stay with a man because I have birthed one or more of his children, if he doesn't deserve it. I will no longer set aside my dreams and aspirations of living the happiest and fullest life I can, because somebody put a clock in my ear and called it my biology. I promise to love me like I want to be loved, and stop waiting for someone else to do it. And above all else, when God sees fit to send me the man he created for me, I vow to keep HIM first, for without Him, I wouldn't have that great thing.

I love ya'll, be blessed...