Monday, December 29, 2008

Groupies pt. 2 "The Homewrecker"

Hey Ya'll!

I haven't blogged in a few weeks, because I have been ridiculously busy....I know people say this all the time, but I really mean it. I've been at work EVERYDAY for the past....I can't even think about it. All I know is that I just had my first day off in a number of weeks, on Christmas Day. Needless to say, there hasn't been much time for the blog. I knew it was really bad when I reached in my fridge for a bottle of water and there wasn't any there because I hadn't had time to grocery shop. I knew the situation was futile when when I reached in further and realized there was no wine for the same reason....All in all, the few weeks of non-stop work have paid off and all is well, and I'm back into the swing of things (there's water AND wine in the fridge....and I'm blogging again, lol) .

With so much time having passed since my last blog entry, I have a few topics swimming around in my head. There are few things personally that I could talk about, but I don't know that I want to, lol. There are a few others that have happened to people very close to me since I last wrote, that are still a little too fresh to blog about, directly. But as you have probably gathered from the title of this blog, I will attempt to do so as indirectly as possible.

I've decided that I'm going to start a series out of this "groupie" thing. I want to start by saying that I am not basing the volumes of this series on my band. This is not some sort of secret memoir about the happenings behind the scene of the Uncalled 4 Experience. What it is though, is a collection of thoughts about things that I've witnessed in the many years since I've been going to the club, singing in bands, and just living in general. More than anything, I'm writing because I'm in no position to say these words to these people directly. Either because I don't know them and therefore don't have access to them; I don't care enough about their stupidity to bother; or they're living life and learning lessons that no one can teach but they must experience. Either way, I just want to get off my chest the things I've witnessed in their situations.

I guess it's only fair to first admit that we have all been in a groupie situation before, myself included. While there are extremes, it's important to recognize fault in oneself before attempting to correct it in others. I've been the "barely legal" hottie, that has gained the attention of "that n*gga", only to have my world revolve around his every whim and the sun rise and set on his behind. I think every woman is entitled to play this role, within reason, up until about age 22...MAYBE 23 if you started dating late. But even then, the mere fact that you're an adult should make you very uncomfortable with so much of your happiness depending on any one person to whom you haven't given birth. After that, it's ridiculous. Now, I must also include a sidebar. And that is...this does not mean that a woman should not love and care for a man that is doing the same for her. Nor does it mean that you shouldn't be completely consumed with someone that is consumed with you. But you should never be in so deep that you can't get out if you have to.

Unfortunately, all around the world, the population of women far outweighs that of men. The DC metro area is no exception to this statistic. Then if you eliminate all the bamas, dummies, gays, and deadbeats, that takes the ratio to even greater extremes (lol, I can't believe I actually wrote "bama" in a blog). So, since there are clearly not enough men to go around, what do we do? There are some ladies that take on the task of transforming a cute dummy or bama...more power to you ladies, this is a strategy that might actually work, I just don't have the patience for it. Then you have the hags that are more than happy to get with a fag as long as he will still screw HER on occasion (please don't blast me for using the word "fag", I mean in the most honorable way possible). Then there are those that have shacked up with one of the deadbeats because he's doing SOMETHING right, although I can't imagine what he could possibly doing that would outweigh all of the wrong, like...not having a job, paying child support (because the deadbeats ALWAYS have at least ONE child), or contributing to the household in ANYWAY, etc. etc. So what happens to the ones that are left? Are some of just detined to be alone, convert to homosexuality, or do we have to share them? HELL NO WE DON'T!!!

Never before in my life have I witnessed so many women that are willing to share a man. I've been seeing the situation in which a groupie broad will KNOW that the object of her affection has a family at home, and she will still come running everytime he calls, will abide by whatever rules he sets up for contacting him, will even lie if and when approached by his girl/wife, etc. This kind of groupie has a special name...Homewrecker. Of course, the homewrecker wouldn't have room to maneuver if the man wouldn't allow her in, but to talk about both sides, would double the length of this blog, and I DO need to get some work done today.

Now listen, I just want to be the first to say that I am not one to fight over a man. I'm just a firm believer that any man that is worth fighting over, would never do anything to put you in that position. But, when hearing these stories, all I can think is, "I would beat the spit out of that broad", lol. I know this sounds like the wrong approach, but let me explain. When you find out your man is cheating, or has cheated, your beef should definitely be with him. But when he cheats with someone that KNOWS about home, what piper does she pay?!

I've only ever been the victim of a homewrecker situation once before, and true to form, it was in my silly 21/22 year old phase (I'll explain how I KNOW this, in a second). Completely unknown to me, the "screwing" had been going on for a full year, and I was none the wiser. It was not until my boyfriend at the time, decided that he no longer wanted to cheat on me, at least not with her, that the situation began to spin out of control. You see, when I woman just wants to screw your man, unless he's a complete idiot, there's very little chance that you will ever find out about it. Here's why...a woman that is only after the "D", will not do anything to mess it up. Chances are, her and your man are homies...why would she want to blow up her boy's spot? He usually genuinely enjoys the time that he spends with her, and is relaxed and calm when he comes home. She's not going to call at obscene hours, and when you're around....IF you're ever around, she will keep a comfortable, but non-suspicious distance from you and your man. Why, because she has no desire to be who or where you are. Chances are, she may have a man too, and doesn't want to mess that up either. But when your man is dealing with a homewrecker, you will ALWAYS find out about it. Why? Because the Homewrecker believes that hers is a temporary to permanent position. She's waiting out her contract until the position she really wants becomes vacant, and she is going to do ALLLLLL that she can to be sure that when it comes time to fill it, that she's at the top of the list of candidates (forgive me for the extensive metaphor, I'm in staffing, lol).

What good does it do a Homewrecker to keep the peace in your house? Have you ever wondered why people love having temporary employees around? It's because they work harder than full time employees because they're trying to get a job...YOUR job, more specifically.
One of two things will guarantee a Homewrecker shows herself...the threat of the man leaving her, or if things get more serious in your relationship. That's when she has to step it up a notch. When you suspect your man is cheating, and you make the mistake of picking up the phone to call the other woman, one of two things is going to happen; either you're going to have a very short conversation with a woman that is telling you, not only does she not know what you're talking about, but any questions about your man, should be directed TO your man, or; you're going to have an hour long conversation with a homewrecker that is just gathering information to be used in your exit better watch your back, and pay attention.

Thursday, December 4, 2008


I just want to warn everyone that I feel like preaching today, so get your amens and offerings ready...

As many of you know, I sing in a band.  The band is pretty popular and has a regular following.  Most of which are loyal fans that have followed the band since it's inception in the '90's.  There are quite a few things that I love about being apart of the band.  The comraderie, the creative outlet; of course, the perks that come along with being in a band, the fans, and many other things.  Then of course there are the things that I don't like so much.  Since these things are few and far between, I'm just going to talk about the thing...or should I say "things"...that bother me the most....GROUPIES.

I think I owe it to all of the fans to clarify the difference between a fan and a groupie.  A fan is someone that loves the artist, the work they do, and gives unyielding support to all of the efforts of the artist.  They may even have personal relationships with members of the band, as they have spent a considerable amount of time with them, in all types of social settings, and it isn't uncommon to have a friendly drink, or share a meal with a fan.  I LOVE the fans.  They're lots of fun, and are what it's all really about.  I will also say that some of my dearest friends are people that I've met at shows, fans are the greatest.  

The clearest difference I can think of between a fan and a groupie is that a fan will tell you when you didn't do so well...a groupie wouldn't dare.  A groupie, is a completely different breed.  They can be male AND female.  A groupie is one that will do whatever is necessary, even forfeit their own personal values, goals, ambitions, etc., to be "accepted" by the band.  They spend their money buying drinks, food, clothes, gas...whatever.  I think you get the picture.

The motivation for this blog came as I was speaking with a good friend this morning, and she told me about the pickle that a well known groupie in the area, has found herself in.  This poor child made the mistake of sleeping with someone that she thought was going to be her "ticket" into the inner circle.  Not only did she give up the bootie, but she then tried to position herself to be wifey.  Much to her dismay, and embarrassment, homeboy didn't want anything to do with her...past the boot knockin', of course.  Now, I will give her kudos in that, she definitely went for the gusto in her choice, but I think she shot a little too high, lol.  She's a little country and plain...  But, you know what they say, shoot for the moon and even if you miss, you'll still be among the stars.   But I digress.... an effort to regroup, she then begins "talking" to one of the lesser players...and really starts to get in there.  The boy likes her, takes her out.  Shows her a good time.  He's cool enough, drives a nice car, knows all the right people...he's the king of fake pimpin'.  (By "fake pimpin'" I mean, he doesn't have any connections of his own.  No real identity outside of the people he knows and the places THEY'VE taken him.)  So she's thinkin', this ain't half bad...I guess I'll settle for this guy.  But what she doesn't consider is that these two men, (we'll call them Hollywood and Fake Pimpin'), are very close friends.  And she TOTALLY underestimates the male ego, and doesn't think it'll be a problem.  And of course, because God has such a crazy sense of humor, Fake Pimpin' finds out that his lady love screwed and went crazy for Hollywood.  Fake Pimpin' is not pleased, and proceeds to tell her that he will NEVER make her his girl, let alone his wife..."but we can still kick it".  That's not the worst part...she goes for it because she's so pressed to finally be a part of the "inner circle", no matter how many degrees of separation there are.  We won't talk about the issues Fake Pimpin' clearly has, because the thing with Hollywood really shouldn't be that big of a deal (between me and you Fake Pimpin' is a groupie too, so now he feels like she "settled" for him...and his little ego is clearly bruised), but she went for it...WTF?!!

There are a number of problems with this.  The girl has put herself in a position where she has now been black listed.  She might as well sew a scarlet H (for ho) on all of her clothes and resign to living the rest of her life alone.  Why?  Hollywood has already made it clear that he doesn't want her.  Fake Pimpin' can't get over himself long enough to realize that this area is so small, you can almost gaurantee you'll know someone that your mate has previously been intimate with.  But more importantly, she has STAYED with Fake Pimpin' so long, and EVERYONE knows they're together, that she is now OFF LIMITS to everyone else in the city.  When will people realize that it's not how many you screw, but WHO you screw.  This child has slept with two people in a three year period, and has been labeled a ho...ain't that a shame?  More than all of this, she is so short sighted, and groupie-minded (is that a word?), that she can't see that this shouldn't even be a problem for her...just move on, and date someone that has no connection to that circle...but what purpose would that serve in her ultimate goal?  This is just one example of how being a groupie can ruin your life, lol (that sounds a lot more serious than it really is).  

There's another instance I heard of recently in which a certain groupie was caught in a compromising situation with a local rocker, by his girl...this was not a happy time for any of them.  The word got out, now this one is labeled as a homewrecker and a slut...but true to form...she's still alone.  I'm not really sure what she hoped to accomplish here.  

Groupies live in a world full of delusion.   A fairytale land, if you will.  They think that what happens at the shows and the parties is real life.  When in actuality, it's only a small portion of the reality of each of the members of these bands.  While my band is a very important part of my life, it isn't the only part.  I think people think that local artists spend their nights at the shows, and anytime we aren't at the club, we're practicing, or getting ready to come back to the club...and that we lead lives of wreckless abandon...drinking, smoking, and partying all day everyday...hanging out with members of other bands, and kickin' with Flexx and Rain all day long.  When the reality is that most of us have jobs, all of us have families, many have children, hobbies, and all kinds of other things, very similar to everyone else.  So bearing this in mind...when you have a "club relationship" with one of the members of these bands, don't think that it's anymore than that.  In most cases, there is a man or woman, waiting for them at home.  YOU are not wifey, the woman that rubs his back at night and makes his breakfast in the morning is wifey.  I could go on, but again, I digress...

Groupies are a constant source of irritation and humor for me.  One in particular amuses me to no end.  She's nice enough, I guess.  I don't really know her, other than what I've seen at my shows, but this one is so pissed that things haven't worked out for her, that she's mad at the world.  It's as comical as pathetic to watch her linger to see if the object of her affection will give her the time of day...and as if it were written before the beginning of time...he never does...ever...and there she stands...with egg on her face.

I think the key to being a groupie that doesn't end up getting their butt beat, is that you have to play your position.  Don't try to do too much.  Know your role.  There's nothing sadder than seeing someone all puffed up full of air, for no legitimate reason.  The real danger in this, is that when you're all full of air, it takes little to nothing for you to be deflated.  Why would you want to put yourself in a position to be so easily destroyed?    


Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Is He Gay?

When I was younger, I used to watch in awe as my older cousins and some of my unmarried aunts would sit around and talk about how hard it is to find a good man.  Then listen to the older members of the family, married aunts, potential grandmothers, etc. convince them that there's very little time left before it'll be too late to start a family.  This was ridiculous to me for a number of different reasons.  1.  I wasn't aware that childbearing years ended in your late twenties to early thirties; and 2.  That a woman becomes unmarriable if she reaches thirty without ever having been, that means something's wrong with me.  I would always kind of laugh at this, because I wasn't a part of this demographic just yet, and there was plenty of time for me to get married and have babies and such.  Then I got older, lol.  And now these rantings are more and more being directed to me.  The funny part is that, they only start talking to me like this when I'm single.  If I have a boyfriend, I think they at least think I'm on track.  But when I'm doing this, "Independent Black Woman" thing, they get VERY nervous.  

I had dinner with my mom a few Sundays ago, and told her about a guy I've been seeing, and her face lit up like a child on Christmas morning...and then, she wanted to know EVERYTHING.  Where we've been, what does he do for a living, what do you talk about...and after giving her all of the required info, she sat back, and after a deep breath, sighed, "I'm SO relieved you're dating"...HUH?!  LOL, when did I become an old maid?  I'm only 27 years old!  Gimme a break, PLEASE!!  As mentioned in a previous blog, I used to wish that I'd gotten married in my early to mid twenties, and had one or two children by now, but CLEARLY, that ship has sailed.  I am a certified member of the late twenties crew.  And more importantly, if I had married any of the men that I was with back then, I would be in a SAD state of affairs right me.       

Never in my life did I think that my mother would be having the "I do want grandchildren, you know" conversation with me.  While I am quite happy with the course that my life has taken, and my current "romantic" station in life, her probings have made me think about the potential suitors that have crossed my path.  This isn't so much an issue for me, as I don't really tend to "play the field" all that much, but I have dibbled and dabbled enough to know that it's kinda rough out there.  Especially for a woman with a mother with marriage and grandbabies on the brain, lol.  

There's a saying that all the good men are either gay, married, or dead.  I don't totally agree with this, as I have been blessed to find one or two that are none of the above, present suitor included ;-) ...but I've noticed that there are a few other categories that should be added to include the truly "unmarriable" men, that are running rampid through the land.  Let's add the "little d*ck and don't know it", the "big d*ck and don't know what to do with it", the "minimally- or un-employed", "the whacker than whack", and my favorite... "the already married, but just doesn't care"...OH, and you can't forget the "Mama's Boy"...that one might not seem so bad, especially since we're told from a young age to pay attention to the way a man treats his mother, and you'll know how he's going to treat you, but that can spiral out of control real me.

With approximately 50% of all men falling into one of the categories listed above...and another 25% that are perfectly normal, but just not quite gonna cut it, that leaves approximately 25% of the men on the earth that are even worth the time of day, lol.  Don't get me I said, I've been blessed to come across a number of those that fall into that final  25% (this area must've gotten more than it's fair share, lol).  But please believe, I get quite a kick out of watching the others try their hand.  I can imagine how this plight would cause a woman to be melancholy, and even see herself as desperate.  But I implore you to find the humor in it, and you'll be too busy laughing at these losers to even hear the biological clock your mother is holding to your ear.  

I think every girl has a gay friend from high school or college that she made a pact to marry and breed with in the event that she was still single at a certain age.  In most cases we choose 40, lol.  Unfortunately, my gay husband just bought a house with his boyfriend, so I guess I'm just gonna have to do it the old fashioned way, lol.    


Monday, December 1, 2008

No Rhyme or Reason....

I've spent the better portion of the day today trying to figure out what to blog about. I actually started a few different ones, but I tend to classify my blogs in two categories; funny and deep. And to be completely honest, none of the ones that I started today were all that funny OR deep, so I abandoned each of them, and settled for a mishmash of things that I've been thinking about. Hope you find this entertaining...

The greatest disappointment of my life in recent weeks has been Beyonce's re-emergence (is this a word?) on "the scene". I would like to preface allll of the coming statements by saying that I LOVE Beyonce. I'm a great big ole fan. Ok, I said just keep all of that in mind as you read on. Ain't nothin' fierce about the A OR B side of "I am...Sasha Fierce". Jam and I had a listening party and let me just say...the cd ruined the party. I can't help but think, that this piss poor performance is what we would've been getting from Beyonce all along, had she been given the freedom to choose her own music from day 1. This gives me a new found respect for Poppa Knowles, and really does make me believe that she wouldn't be where she is today, if it hadn't been for him. Who woulda thunk it? Matthew Knowles isn't just a crazed pageant dad living vicariously through his children...the man really does know what he's doing. Hopefully he'll take back the reins before she goes too far over the edge...I will NOT blindly buy another cd from Beyonce...I will download a pirated copy of the next album, like every other skeptical american, in hopes that she has come back from the dark side...but I'm not willing to spend the $9.99 to find out. The whole thing was horrible. You've already heard the tolerable tracks on the radio...anything else on the album truly isn't worth the time you'd spend listening to me....However, I am just as adament about the fact that Jam and I absolutely WILL be going to see Bey at Madison Square Garden when the tour begins for what has now become a Jam-My shopping extravaganza/Beyonce world tour tradition. I told you I love the girl...

Next, let's talk about church this weekend in North Carolina. Let me start by saying that my Uncle Ricky has a beautiful church in Greenville, and the day after Thanksgiving, his church gave him an appreciation service. It was perfect timing, as we were all in town for the holiday and we all got to go. It was like a Moore Family talent show (see my sermonic solo here) but not without PLENTY of comedy. There is so much talent in my family, that it just makes me sick when I think about us not being the Jackson's (they don't have ANYTHING on us, Michael's the only one that can even sing!!). Anyway, All the Moore's in town were on the program. I would honestly say that only one performance was notable, but it won't be quite as funny without hearing this other part first...

So we get to the church, and take our seats. One of the evangelists gets up and begins devotion service....she starts with a series of scriptures...the funny part about this, is that she repeated the scripture four times before actually reading each passge. Picture this..."1 Corinthians 2:8-12...1 Corinthians 2:8-12...1 Corinthians 2:8-12....1 Corinthians 2:8-12"...I felt like I was playing BINGO or going crossed eyed or something. I wanted to scream, "just read the verses, I don't even have a bible with me, it's not even like I can read along with you!!!" So she goes on like this for 4 more passages of scripture...and ten minutes later, she begins the praise and worship portion of the service. She sings about five songs...and I won't comment on the quality of voice, because her praise was so pure and genuine that I KNOW it was sweet in the Lord's ears. What I will comment on though, is the "special" child on the drums. There was no keyboard player as of yet...but don't worry, he comes in later in the story...and this woman was singing sweet songs of praise...and this child is going off on the drums like Animal from the muppets the ENTIRE time she's singing. I think what blew me away more than anything else, is the fact that this was no cause for alarm for ANYONE else in the church except for those that came with me from the DMV. I tried to maintain my composure, but my baby brother Jeremiah....not so much, lol. So the lady opens up testimony service. Before anyone can think to get up and say anything....up jumps this man. Now...what we don't know is that he has brought his karaoke machine with him...he stands up and pulls a microphone out of his pocket and begins to talk...he pulls a tape out of the other pocket and proceeds to put it in the machine behind him. I text my baby brother and say, "If this man is loading mood music for his tesitmony...I'm outta here, lol". But what he did was sooooooo much better. He loaded a track for accompaniment to the song he wanted to sing for his testimony. The good part is that the man sounded just like Aaron Neville...the brother could BLOW, but this is testimony service, NOT Showtime at the Apollo.
There were numerous other tidbits that thoroughly tickled me, but I'll end with this one. Jeremiah text me and said, "Uncle Ricky plays the piano now?". I look up, and my uncle is sitting behind the keyboard, and banging away...and when I say banging...I mean banging. The keyboard was so loud that you couldn't even hear the people talking on the mic over the noise. My second cousin, Ricky IV, was on the program to sing a song. Imagine a little boy, 9 1/2, that wants to sing a song for his grandfather's appreciation service. He's a real boy...plays video games all always into trouble...that kinda thing...but he likes to sing, so when asked what he wanted to do on the program...he said he was going to sing "Oh Give Thanks". As the service went on, he began to panic because he forgot how the song ends. I explained to him that this is the easiest problem to have because, usually if you can start it, the words will just come to you. But nevertheless, we went over it in our seats, and when they called his name, he was ready to go! He got up there and sang the first few notes of his song, and as if hit by a ton of bricks, my uncle's face lights up! And he give a look that says, "I KNOW THIS SONG!!!", and he DASHES for the keyboard. True to form he begins to bang on the keys and scares the living daylights out of Ricky now Uncle Ricky decides he's going to modulate the song...and now little Ricky is confused. So after he modulates, Uncle Ricky proceeds to play the song for about ten times longer than I'm sure little Ricky planned on singing it. So this poor child has gone from being scared that he's going to forget the words, to...being totally excited that he knows them and this whole thing is going over being scared pissless because hs grandfather is playing the world's loudest keyboard behind him... and being totally confused by this thing called being bored out of his mind because the song has gone on ten minutes longer than he ever anticipated singing it, lol. And all of this is going on while the man with the karaoke machine is gearing up for his next selection. It was like a scene out of a "Where's Waldo" puzzle...absolute chaos...I couldn't have asked for better, lol.