"Where's You Sense of Adventure Augusten?"

Ok, it's been a few days, and I'm sorry for the lack of postings. I haven't been feeling all that well. It was a combination of things, but I feel tons better, and I'm back on the ball. Happy Birthday shoutout to Sdot...Party at RNR tomorrow. OK, onto the blog.

Please read the following exerpt from the book I'm reading, and then we'll really get into it.

"Somehow we end up in bed. It seems clear that we have nothing in common, but Raoul invites me up to his apartment - a two-bedroom on Central Park West - and I accept because his muscular calves seem to have a curious power over me. Once upstairs, he tells me again how sexy I am.

I am ashamed that I am so easily swayed by this compliment. All my life I have felt bad about my skinny body. So I have worked out for years and have grown much larger and stronger, and although my own mirror still reflects back to me the image of a skinny kid, other people see somebody else entirely and sometimes want to sleep with him.

Raoul takes his shirt off, and his chest, muscular, hairy, masculine, engages my interst. And within ten minutes we are undressed and in bed.

It turns out Raoul has a condition known as micropenis. This means his penis is less than three inches long, fully erect. It looks like a large clitoris, sticking out above two balls."

This is an exerpt from "Magical Thinking" by Augusten Burroughs. This is the guy that wrote "Running with Scissors". Let me just say, I read the above exerpt while on the train yesterday, and literally laughed out loud. Now, recognizing the fact that women and gay men alike, like to come up with pseudo diseases to describe the shortcomings of men, I was a little hesitant to believe that "micropenis" is actually a disease. We've all heard the stories of the "short" man, but come on....micro? So I looked it up. Good ole wikipedia gives a full description along with pictures of flacid and erect micropeni (and let me just tell you, there isn't much difference in the two en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Micropenis ).

The thing that makes the above exerpt so funny is the part that I left out. This guy clearly has no idea that he has this...problem. Which is evidenced by him repeatedly making reference to his large um....member, throughout the encounter. Augusten goes on to say "I am dizzy. I am literally dizzy. I was so shocked to encounter the micropenis and now am even more shocked to encounter his apparent lack of knowledge about the micropenis. I grip it in my hand, and it's lost, so I use my thumb and index finger to jerk it. I am now engaged in what I consider volunteer work. I am jerking him off purely out of pity."

Now, I think we can all recall a moment or two when we've experienced a not so enjoyable "encounter". The only thing that make it worse is your partner acting like he's Dirk Diggler...Just finish your business and get the help up, so I can be well on my way to never doing this again. Where do these men come from? Seriously. I remember being in arguments with an ex of mine, in which he'd make some very bold statements. All I wanted to do was "pants" him, and swing him around to the mirror. Don't you want to say to these dudes, "You do realize I've already seen it? You don't have to pretend."

While I can't say that I've ever actually seen a "micropenis", I can say that there are many levels of disappointment between the medically tiny and a normal appendage. As anyone that has ever shared a bottle of wine with me can tell you, I have quite an opinion when it comes to these men. And by "these men" I mean everyone from the long and skinny to the short and skinny, to the short and squat. This doesn't mean that you have to be HUGE, because to be quite honest, if it's too big, I won't let you near me. And I will honestly say that there is SOME truth to the assertion that it's the motion in the ocean and not the size of the boat. As we all know, this phrase was more than likey coined by a man with a small penis, or by a woman in love with a man with a small penis. I feel sorry for them both. There's nothing fun about living a life of complete disillusion. I've been in love with a man with a small penis, and the fact that I loved him didn't make his penis any bigger, nor did it keep me from contemplating cheating on him with my "not so little penis" ex. You would NEVER find me bragging about our sex life, it just didn't make sense, and in the end it would've served as nothing more than a way to piss me off instantly, lol.

While I know that there isn't anything that can resonably be done to fix this...problem...there are ways that a man can make himself desirable inspite of this handicap. The first step is to realize that it is actually a handicap. Also, don't keep telling yourself that the guys in the porno movies are freakishly big. Some of them are, yes, I'll give you that. But don't try to make yourself feel better by swearing that "nobody's that big". YES they are, and you should be intimidated, lol. So how do you get around this? Be nice. I was so angry with a "little man" one time that I actually said, "I wish you would act your d*ck size". This is the key. If you know that once you get in the bedroom you have absolutely nothing to offer, play your position. Send flowers for no reason; call when you say you're going to call; know my favorite color and food; keep your refrigerator stocked with my favorite chardonnay; watch the chic flicks; MASTER foreplay. If you can be a master of everything else, you might stand a chance. You don't have the luxury of not calling when you say you're going to call because, when "Mr. Crown Royal" doesn't call, I'm thinking about last night while I wait for him to call. When YOU don't call, I'm thinking about your baggy boxer briefs and contemplating whether I'll wait until after I get my Christmas present to delete you from my address book and block you from gchat. You see the difference?